The Evil Shoulds

My current favorite phrase from a mentor and guide is, “We teach what we need to learn.” How true is that? How many times have you found yourself trying to instruct a friend, coworker, or child on something that you might need to learn in some way yourself? I receive the reminder quite often… and I’m grateful.

In one of my recent coaching sessions, I was reminded of a concept that can plague us all: “The Evil Shoulds.”

They look like this:

“I should have gotten up earlier today and worked out.”

“I should have done better on that project/presentation/report.”

“I should have stood up for myself.”

“I should have taken a different way home - this traffic is terrible!”

We tend use them most in our internal dialogue - constantly! We could argue that by having those little conversations and reminding ourselves of these expectations, that we are staying motivated and evaluative. That might be possible.

But is it possible that you’ve taken it a bit too far with the “shoulds?” They are not always positive and encouraging reminders, but berating and defeating self talk. That’s why I call them evil. For me - they are usually pretty evil.

When you find yourself drowning in a few Evil Shoulds, how can you make a shift? Here are a few suggestions that work for me:

Explore the Expectation Behind Them:

What is creating the “should” in the conversation? Why are you expecting this of yourself? Did someone else tell you that you didn’t meet their expectations on a project, or did you set VERY high expectations on yourself? Could it revolve around internal frustration you have:  Maybe you naturally retreat when someone is heated in an argument, but you KNOW deep down that you need to stand strong. The goal in this questioning is to explore WHY you are telling yourself that you “should have.” 

Is it realistic and productive to be judging yourself in that moment, or are you trying to live up to something that is unrealistic in nature?

Change the Should to “Could”:

How different does this sound: “I could have gotten up early this morning and worked out.” Crazy! Altering one word shifts this phrase in two ways: We can see the situation as an opportunity (instead of a failed expectation), and we can acknowledge that we had a choice in the matter. We ALL could have gotten up earlier this morning, but many of us chose to make sleep a priority over that other thing we could have been doing. Are the people that slept later wrong or lazy? No. They chose differently, and possibly more effectively for themselves. And what about that opportunity you are now exploring? What might it look like to get up earlier, or what other possibilities might exist for you?

Ask Yourself, “Is This Useful?”:

My best friend and I use a term for that string of self-negating inner dialogue that shows up at times - “Sneaky Hate Spiral.” It’s that pattern of getting down on yourself over and over, without a way to break free of it. I’ve learned one of the only things that can break my Sneaky Hate Spiral is forcing myself to stop and honestly ask, “Is this useful?” Asking that question jars my brain into reflecting on the negative pattern I am in, and it usually helps me see my statements from more rational perspective. If the statements are not serving me, I have a chance to realize that they have no place in me head at that moment. From there, I can choose to take a breath and try to shift my thoughts toward something that is useful. This exact thing happened to me yesterday, and it worked.

For what it’s worth, this blog post was started over a week ago, and sat undone until I decided to pick it up again. Should I have finished it sooner? I don’t know, but I’ve stopped caring. Thinking that way doesn’t serve me, and I chose differently during that last week. And I wouldn’t change anything about it.